Sunday, April 12, 2015

Reasonably Fine


It's been a rough couple of weeks. Lately when I sit down to write, I just can't. I feel this tightness in my chest, the familiar grip of anxiety, and no matter how much I stare at my computer, no matter how many thoughts are racing back and forth behind my eyes, I just can't force myself to get them down.

This Spring has been especially hard on everyone in my family. On Monday, the 30th of March, I discovered unexpectedly through Facebook that my grandmother (on my mother's side) is suddenly suffering from Cancer. In addition to the already-stressful situation, I was hurt that nobody had the courtesy to even say anything to me. It was a surprise I wasn't at all expecting.

On Tuesday, I learned just how bad things really were. My mom communicated with me that my grandma's Cancer had been found in her liver, and that doctors didn't yet know if she was suffering from liver Cancer or if another more serious form of Cancer had metastized into her liver.

Aware that my mom was planning on taking the trip from Eastern PA to Western Michigan, on Wednesday I took all the change I'd been saving for my first camera lens and cashed it in to put towards the trip instead. We spent Thursday on the road.

The weekend went by in a flash, and although I had a wonderful time bonding with my family despite this stressful predicament, it slowly became clear that each time I revisit my childhood home it seems less and less like the place I once loved and more like a graveyard for all of the loved ones I've lost.

Brad drove out to bring me home on Saturday, and we started new permanent positions with our company on Easter Monday. As excited as I was to land this position and finally get my raise, I've just had this cloudiness looming over me since I've been back, a gray bubble of existentialism as I'm too afraid to exist here and lose those last few moments I would ever have with a woman I never cherished enough when I had the chance.

With recent travel expenses, paycheck issues, and putting all of our extra pennies towards the wedding right now, my job has definitely become high priority and has done wonders in keeping my mind off of things, but admittedly my blog has fallen to the wayside again this week as my moments of physical and mental rest have been few and far between.

My grandma has been slowly drifting away. I've been told that she has made her peace, and it seems that all there is left to do is pray for her, and pray that the rest of us might go on being reasonably fine. Thanks for reading.



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